~Need A Hug?"
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Can It Be This Easy?
I think this reporter was busted right after showing this! ¶ 10:17 PM 0 Comments
I think this reporter was busted right after showing this! ¶ 10:17 PM 0 Comments
Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking outof the delivery room after his wife gives birthto their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking!
¶ 10:13 PM 0 Comments
Police Humor
Battery Acid and Fireworks****A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening; in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!? What did you do with them?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off." ¶ 7:56 PM 0 Comments
"You just won't believe what happened this evening; in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!? What did you do with them?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off." ¶ 7:56 PM 0 Comments
Little Sparkey
L'il Sparky: a miniature, 9V-powered electric chair. Turn it on and it buzzes ominously -- touch the contacts on the armrest and get a tiny shock. The maker notes, "Endless possibilities for fun- imagine if the one who loses at Scrabble, or doesn't do the dishes has to go to 'the chair'! Also good for trick-or-treaters who show up without a costume." Link (via Make Blog ¶ 4:26 AM 0 Comments
L'il Sparky: a miniature, 9V-powered electric chair. Turn it on and it buzzes ominously -- touch the contacts on the armrest and get a tiny shock. The maker notes, "Endless possibilities for fun- imagine if the one who loses at Scrabble, or doesn't do the dishes has to go to 'the chair'! Also good for trick-or-treaters who show up without a costume." Link (via Make Blog ¶ 4:26 AM 0 Comments
Monday, October 30, 2006
A Dog's Letter To God
Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities? Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we dogs sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle! Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God, When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in? Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps? Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street! Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again? Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But, they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed MY blessing?
¶ 11:32 PM 0 Comments
Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities? Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we dogs sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle! Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God, When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in? Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps? Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street! Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again? Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But, they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed MY blessing?
¶ 11:32 PM 0 Comments
Saturday, October 28, 2006
16 Ways To Tell Your Cat Is Getting Old
16.
Goes from 22 hours of happy-go-lucky, kittenish sleep per day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day.
15.
All he wants to do is watch "Catlock."
14.
Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip.
13.
Last year: Went a-courtin' carrying a "pencil full o' lead."This year: Goes a-courtin' carrying a 9 Lives tuna casserole.
12.
Bitches non-stop about the "bankrupt moral values of kittens these days."
11.
Trades in his Whiskas for prune-flavored Whippasnappas.
10.
"You call this catnip? Hell, I remember back in the '80s, I once scored some Meowie Wowie that would knock your friggin' claws off..."
9.
Instead of shredding your drapes, she sub-contracts the job.
8.
He demands breakfast in bed.
7.
When you strap a piece of buttered toast to her back and drop her, she lands on her hip.
6.
Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards.
5.
Spends all day on the front porch, yelling at the squirrels to get the hell out of his yard.
4.
Occasionally forgets to ignore you.
3.
Instead of swaggering up to you and dropping dead mice at your feet, he drives up in his Rascal and pulls them out of the saddlebag.
2.
Has to drink a whole bottle of Rogaine just to cough up one hairball.
... and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Getting Old...
1.
While his younger friends are out chasing mice, he claims a moral victory in catching the elusive dust bunny. ¶ 6:44 AM 0 Comments
16.
Goes from 22 hours of happy-go-lucky, kittenish sleep per day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day.
15.
All he wants to do is watch "Catlock."
14.
Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip.
13.
Last year: Went a-courtin' carrying a "pencil full o' lead."This year: Goes a-courtin' carrying a 9 Lives tuna casserole.
12.
Bitches non-stop about the "bankrupt moral values of kittens these days."
11.
Trades in his Whiskas for prune-flavored Whippasnappas.
10.
"You call this catnip? Hell, I remember back in the '80s, I once scored some Meowie Wowie that would knock your friggin' claws off..."
9.
Instead of shredding your drapes, she sub-contracts the job.
8.
He demands breakfast in bed.
7.
When you strap a piece of buttered toast to her back and drop her, she lands on her hip.
6.
Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards.
5.
Spends all day on the front porch, yelling at the squirrels to get the hell out of his yard.
4.
Occasionally forgets to ignore you.
3.
Instead of swaggering up to you and dropping dead mice at your feet, he drives up in his Rascal and pulls them out of the saddlebag.
2.
Has to drink a whole bottle of Rogaine just to cough up one hairball.
... and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Getting Old...
1.
While his younger friends are out chasing mice, he claims a moral victory in catching the elusive dust bunny. ¶ 6:44 AM 0 Comments
Stupid Headlines
##Air Head Fired## Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire ##Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft## Autos killing 110 a day - let's resolve to do better ##Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Bank ##Drive-in Window Blocked by Board## Blind woman gets new kidney from daughter she hasn't seen in years## British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply## British left waffles on Falkland Islands## Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy## Child's death ruins couple's holiday ##Childs stool great for use in garden## Cold wave linked to temperatures## Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing## Dealers will hear car talk at noon## Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation## Deer Kill 17,000## Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors ##Drunk gets nine months in violin case ##Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84 ###################******** ¶ 6:32 AM 0 Comments
##Air Head Fired## Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire ##Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft## Autos killing 110 a day - let's resolve to do better ##Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Bank ##Drive-in Window Blocked by Board## Blind woman gets new kidney from daughter she hasn't seen in years## British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply## British left waffles on Falkland Islands## Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy## Child's death ruins couple's holiday ##Childs stool great for use in garden## Cold wave linked to temperatures## Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing## Dealers will hear car talk at noon## Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation## Deer Kill 17,000## Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors ##Drunk gets nine months in violin case ##Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84 ###################******** ¶ 6:32 AM 0 Comments
*Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, the spiritual leader of Israel's Shas political party, decreed that any woman who wears a wig to a synagogue is damned. "Both she and her wig will burn in hell," Yosef said. Yosef also told followers that, contrary to popular belief, it is permissible to pick one's nose on the Sabbath.
*A 25-year-old Argentine man pushed his 20-year-old wife out of an eighth-floor window after an argument, but her fall was broken when her legs became entangled in power lines below. A police spokesperson told the state-run Telam news agency that when the husband saw the woman dangling beneath him, he apparently tried to throw himself on top of her to finish her off. He missed, however, and fell to his death. Meanwhile, the woman managed to swing over to a nearby balcony and was saved.
*Young women drive almost as aggressively as men, according to an Australian study that found female drivers below age 30 are only slightly less likely than young men to tail-gate, hurl abuse, shake their fists, blast their horns and cut in front of other drivers. An aggression index, compiled from a survey by the Australian Associated Motor Insurers Ltd., shows young women scored 31.77 points on a road rage "Richter" scale, compared with men's score of 32.63. ¶ 6:24 AM 0 Comments
Wonder what he thought when he woke up?Isn't drinking supposed to be fun?Does he appear to be having fun?Well on closer look he is smiling. ¶ 6:16 AM 0 Comments
3 Wishes
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn`t mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman`s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you`re sorry you had me neutered." ¶ 4:05 AM 0 Comments
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn`t mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman`s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you`re sorry you had me neutered." ¶ 4:05 AM 0 Comments
Steve Wright One-Liners
took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.
Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
Dyselxics Have More Nuf.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. ¶ 3:54 AM 0 Comments
took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.
Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
Dyselxics Have More Nuf.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. ¶ 3:54 AM 0 Comments
Friday, October 27, 2006
Police in Madison Township, Ohio, cited Kim Hansel, 37, for public indecency after someone complained she was mowing her lawn topless. She put bandages and leaves on her breasts and went back to mowing the lawn. Prosecutors dropped the indecency charge, but a judge fined Hansel $40 for disorderly conduct because she turned the riding mower around in the street after drinking. ¶ 8:00 PM 0 Comments
Aging Aunt Mildred
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee. ¶ 7:48 PM 0 Comments
The Rules Of Chocolate
1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
9. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? ¶ 6:38 AM 0 Comments
1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
9. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? ¶ 6:38 AM 0 Comments
The dude in the purple cap is scoping out the Pope's ring.Bet he was doing some major sucking up that day.
¶ 2:06 AM 0 Comments
¶ 2:06 AM 0 Comments
A sad day for the beaver family.Looks like Barney bit off more than he could chew! ¶ 2:00 AM 0 Comments
Scott and Tom went camping. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Scott wakes his friend and says, "Tom, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tom replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" asked Scott. Tom ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small, and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Scott?" Scott is silent for a moment, then says, "Tom, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent." ¶ 1:51 AM 0 Comments
