~Need A Hug?"
Monday, February 26, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
American Women ~~War Warriors
American Women Unite!
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.
We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.
We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!
We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.
Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!
Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.
I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too! ¶ 10:55 PM 0 Comments
American Women Unite!
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.
We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.
We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!
We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.
Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!
Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.
I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too! ¶ 10:55 PM 0 Comments
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
Some Bored Workers And A Real Dead End
When you work at roads all the time I'm sure that you get bored just drawing white lines, and some bored workers had some fun.
The top photo may be photo-shopped at least let's hope so! ¶ 6:08 AM 0 Comments
When you work at roads all the time I'm sure that you get bored just drawing white lines, and some bored workers had some fun.
The top photo may be photo-shopped at least let's hope so! ¶ 6:08 AM 0 Comments
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Smart Man
He promises mama he will buy her something nice in town as long as she makes up the weight for his missing left front wheel. ¶ 3:21 PM 0 Comments
He promises mama he will buy her something nice in town as long as she makes up the weight for his missing left front wheel. ¶ 3:21 PM 0 Comments
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Boy Abandoned In Winery
A local 4th grader was found alone early this afternoon in an abandoned winery north of Castle Rock. Little Scotty Parker was famished when he was located by police, who had been searching all night for the boy.According to his parents, Bob and Della, Scotty left his home in South Lake Township at noon yesterday for a bike ride. "He said he would be home for dinner," his mother said tearfully. "I made his favorite; beans and weenies. When it got dark and he didn't come home, I called Chief Bradson right away."After questioning the brave child, police Chief Ken Bradson found that Scotty had been involved in a hit-and-run bicycle accident while riding innocently near the winery."It was a scary man who hit me!" Scotty exclaimed. "I was just riding on my new Schwinn when I heard a noise behind me. I turned around and there was a guy with a scooter coming after me. It wasn't an electric scooter either. It was one of those one's where you have to push with one leg to make it go. He was really good at it too. He was going way too fast for a dirt road. I was going faster, cuz my Schwinn came with off-roading tires. But he was just too good, so I got really tired and fell off."The man, who some have started referring to as "The scooter-guist," continued to speed over Scotty's bike, damaging the rear tire. Even the tough, off-road Schwinn could not hold up to the weight of the scooter-guist. He then rode off into the grape vines of the abandoned winery, marooning the boy with an unrideable Schwinn."I was so mad, cuz that bike was really cool. All my friends said so. I decided to run after the guy, then I got lost in the grape vines" said the brave young boy.Luckily, Scotty was able to survive the 24-hour ordeal thanks to the plump, ripe grapes he plucked from the vines."I don't like grapes or other fruit," claimed Scotty. "But I was real hungry. Then, when it got dark, I had to use the leaves as a bed. They kept me warm a lot! Now, I think grapes and other fruits are okay. I guess the grapes saved my life!"The Scooter-guist remains at large. Police have scoured the grape vine area looking for any tracks that may lead to his hiding place.Scotty's father, a local politician, stated in a public statement earlier today that the city "will not rest until this demon is sent to prison where he can no longer damage the bikes of innocent children."Unfortunately, since the man was not driving a car, Chief Bradson was unable to think of a valid law that he might have broken. Therefore, the scooter-bandit will not be imprisoned if he is captured."The most we can do is catch him, and tell him how mean he is, and then we have to let him go, I guess." Said Bradson.For now, parents will remain on the lookout for a mysterious scooter riding man, and the roads of South Lake will be without bike-riding school children.
The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious. ¶ 2:00 PM 0 Comments
A local 4th grader was found alone early this afternoon in an abandoned winery north of Castle Rock. Little Scotty Parker was famished when he was located by police, who had been searching all night for the boy.According to his parents, Bob and Della, Scotty left his home in South Lake Township at noon yesterday for a bike ride. "He said he would be home for dinner," his mother said tearfully. "I made his favorite; beans and weenies. When it got dark and he didn't come home, I called Chief Bradson right away."After questioning the brave child, police Chief Ken Bradson found that Scotty had been involved in a hit-and-run bicycle accident while riding innocently near the winery."It was a scary man who hit me!" Scotty exclaimed. "I was just riding on my new Schwinn when I heard a noise behind me. I turned around and there was a guy with a scooter coming after me. It wasn't an electric scooter either. It was one of those one's where you have to push with one leg to make it go. He was really good at it too. He was going way too fast for a dirt road. I was going faster, cuz my Schwinn came with off-roading tires. But he was just too good, so I got really tired and fell off."The man, who some have started referring to as "The scooter-guist," continued to speed over Scotty's bike, damaging the rear tire. Even the tough, off-road Schwinn could not hold up to the weight of the scooter-guist. He then rode off into the grape vines of the abandoned winery, marooning the boy with an unrideable Schwinn."I was so mad, cuz that bike was really cool. All my friends said so. I decided to run after the guy, then I got lost in the grape vines" said the brave young boy.Luckily, Scotty was able to survive the 24-hour ordeal thanks to the plump, ripe grapes he plucked from the vines."I don't like grapes or other fruit," claimed Scotty. "But I was real hungry. Then, when it got dark, I had to use the leaves as a bed. They kept me warm a lot! Now, I think grapes and other fruits are okay. I guess the grapes saved my life!"The Scooter-guist remains at large. Police have scoured the grape vine area looking for any tracks that may lead to his hiding place.Scotty's father, a local politician, stated in a public statement earlier today that the city "will not rest until this demon is sent to prison where he can no longer damage the bikes of innocent children."Unfortunately, since the man was not driving a car, Chief Bradson was unable to think of a valid law that he might have broken. Therefore, the scooter-bandit will not be imprisoned if he is captured."The most we can do is catch him, and tell him how mean he is, and then we have to let him go, I guess." Said Bradson.For now, parents will remain on the lookout for a mysterious scooter riding man, and the roads of South Lake will be without bike-riding school children.
The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious. ¶ 2:00 PM 0 Comments
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
George Carlin Rules For 2007
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served t o you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sor ry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. ¶ 5:03 AM 0 Comments
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served t o you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sor ry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. ¶ 5:03 AM 0 Comments
Monday, February 05, 2007
Just A Theory Or Is It??
OK, here's my theory... We don't really know why the dinosaurs are extinct, right? Well, maybe they're not. What if all those possible theories we've heard about are completely wrong and we come to find out that they've simply been abducted by aliens all this time? Hey, it makes about as much sense as that asteroid theory. (Yea right, an asteroid. What a load of malarkey.) Of course, the only problem we need to worry about is when the probings are done and the dinosaurs are finally dropped back to earth... That's when I get out the shotgun and head for the hills...
¶ 9:32 AM 0 Comments
OK, here's my theory... We don't really know why the dinosaurs are extinct, right? Well, maybe they're not. What if all those possible theories we've heard about are completely wrong and we come to find out that they've simply been abducted by aliens all this time? Hey, it makes about as much sense as that asteroid theory. (Yea right, an asteroid. What a load of malarkey.) Of course, the only problem we need to worry about is when the probings are done and the dinosaurs are finally dropped back to earth... That's when I get out the shotgun and head for the hills...
