Turkey Truths   ¶ 10:39 PM 0 Comments

  Bringin' Down The Bear
A bear walks into a bar.....
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."  ¶ 6:34 AM 0 Comments

  Racing Grannies
Possibly the best wind-up toy ever invented, the Racing Grannies are to geriatric speedway what Ferrari is to Formula One. As anyone who has been on the receiving end of a Zimmer-frame will know, grannies are formidable movers with legendary stamina, and these delightful wind-ups are testament to their endurance. With expressions of steely determination and complete with go-faster cardigans, these two are just a few winds away from the race of their lives. It’s time to have your own Gran National!  ¶ 8:42 AM 0 Comments

  Idiotic Product Instructions
On a bicycle -- "Removing the wheel can influence the performance of the bicycle"
(You think?)
On a hammer-- "Misuse may lead to property damage and bodily injury."
(Oh...Hell yes!!!)
On a toilet brush-- "Do not use for personal hygiene."
(Unless you're homeless.)
On car sun shield-- "Do not drive with shield in place."
(Unless you've been drinking of course.)
On aerosol cheese can-- "Remove cap."
(But I'm not wearing a cap.)
On a fireplace log -- "Caution: Risk of Fire."
(Yep...Hope so.)
On a Sears hairdryer -- "Do not use while sleeping."
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The Shoplifter Special.)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(Sound advice..I guess.)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(Whoops! Too late now.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(No shit?)
On electric cattle prod -- "For use on animals only."
(What if I kinda like it?)  ¶ 12:50 AM 0 Comments

  A Small Grin
Here you will find guides to "small grinning", find out about its place in history, find celebrity small grins, and view a wide selection of some of the finest small grins ever.  ¶ 3:55 AM 0 Comments

    ¶ 3:52 AM 0 Comments

  Does Your Girl Love You??

Question: How do I know if a girl loves me or not?—Ajay
Answer: If one night you go out drinking and end up back at her place, pass out together on the bed with your shoes on, and wake up a few hours later only to discover that you’ve peed the bed, which she takes in stride, changes the sheets, and then the next morning has a laugh about it, later leaves some pamphlets from the local health clinic about child bedwetters in your mailbox, and eventually after a few weeks tells your friends but never, ever tells hers: She loves you.
If she dances with your friends: She loves you.
If she says, “I love you” on the roller coaster, right after you’ve puked down your shirt: She loves you.
If her parents love you: She loves you, probably.
If her parents hate you: She might love you, too.
If she ever says the words, “I hate you”: She loves you. Or she did at one point, anyway.
If she loves you, if she really loves you, you’ll know it. If you can wake up to her staring at you and it’s not even mildly creepy, if you catch her smelling the shoulder of the hooded sweatshirt you lent her for an autumn walk at the beach, and not for B.O., if she makes you a pancake in the shape of a shark, if she calls you drunkenly at four in the morning “to talk,” if she laughs at your jokes when they’re funny and makes fun of you when they’re not, if she keeps her fridge stocked with Guinness tallboys for when you come over, if she tells you how she wishes she were closer to her sister and that her dad makes her sad: She loves you, of course she loves you.
….And with a love like that, you know you should be glad.
More Does she love you?  ¶ 2:26 AM 0 Comments

  Adkins Dieters Attack
New York) The relative calm of Sesame Street has been shattered as carb-loving Cookie Monster has been attacked three times this month by devoted converts to the Atkins diet.

Dude, that's like 800 carbs!!!
"Oh, me so scared," wailed the furry blue monster from his apartment above Mr. Hooper's store," but it not so bad; people been sending me maannnny cookies... ha ha ha," Mr. Monster added.
Police say the victim was tricked each time by the Atkins insurgents posing as cookie delivery men.
"We told him to at least look through the peep hole every time someone knocks on his door, but apparently he goes into some kind of mania every time he hears the word 'cookie,' said Lt. Abby Van Buren of the 27th Precinct.
Van Buren says information Cookie Monster's close friends are giving the police is proving to be of a "mixed nature."
"I saw four, four attackers, ah ah ah," said The Count.
"I think they had a red car, but I'm not so good with my colors," added Grover.
Elmo exclaimed, "Elmo loves the sun!"
Experts say Cookie Monster has long been a target for diet groups, but the Atkins cabal is particularly intent on using violence to get what they want.
"You think KFC, TGI Fridays, and all those packaged snack people just started offering low carb items because we asked nicely?" asked an Atkins terror cell leader who did not want to be identified. "We had to beat a lot of CEOs to a bloody pulp before they finally gave in," she added.  ¶ 11:55 PM 0 Comments

  It's All About The Spam
You've got Spam®!
You can now fire up your computer, connect to the internet, and download your breakfast. Better yet, connect your computer to a stove and you can download a hot breakfast. Or lunch. Or dinner. Or whatever.
Freddie Skärkött of Leech Lake, Minnesota, did just that when he demonstrated his newly-patented Kött Kätcher at the annual Computer Technology Expo in Minneapolis last week.
"This is the culmination of a life-long dream for me," Skärkött said. "I have been concerned about world hunger for as long as I can remember. And now I have finally found a way to do something about it."
So, how did he come up with the Kött Kätcher?
"I guess it started when as I got my first email account," he explained. "Within a week I was getting about a hundred messages a day -- and most of them were spam. I wasn't about to spend my whole day wading through all that junk, so I started looked for a way to filter it out."
His first device was a simple filter hooked up between his computer and the phone line to catch all the spam. It worked OK, but it had a few drawbacks.
"The biggest problem with the first prototype was that it caught so much spam that it got clogged up after only thirty or forty emails," Skärkött said. "I was cleaning it up several times a day and accumulating a barrelfull or so of Spam® every week, and it was getting to be a pretty big mess."
"Then was when I realized that what I had developed was really a converter -- it converted spam, the mess into Spam®, the meat! All I had to do now was make it affordable to hungry people all over the world."
And he has managed to do exactly that. The Kött Kätcher is an inexpensive (less than $50) filter that can be easily connected to any computer. The smallest version is capable of collecting about two pounds of Spam® a day; the largest can collect almost a ton of the pink meat before it has to be cleaned. It works equally well on everything from the smallest hand-held to the largest mainframe.
The smaller models can be connected between the computer and a stove to provide instant hot meals, while the mainframe version can connect from the computer to a refrigerator or freezer so that large quantities of Spam® can be collected without spoiling.
The ability to connect the Kött Kätcher to wireless devices has generated a lot of excitement in the outdoors set. Now hikers will be able to go into the wildest woods anywhere in the world without carrying a heavy backpack full of food -- just download breakfast on your Palm Pilot® and you're good to go.
The next improvement will the be addition of Freddy's Flavored Food Filter to the basic unit. This will make the device more desirable to those who don't like the taste of Spam®.  ¶ 11:46 PM 0 Comments

  Peas Be With You
What's all this about wantingPeas on Earth all the time?
What's wrong with corn, or carrots? Why don't we ever wish for "World Broccoli!"?
Or ask our children for a little "Cucumbersand Quiet!"?
Why is it, when we're troubled, we never pray for "Inner Apricots"?
How did this incredible obsession with vegetables, ever begin?
It might just be, however: that if everybody gardened; they'd all get along better with most of their neighbors.  ¶ 8:29 PM 0 Comments

  The Awwwwwwwwwwness Factor Real-life Bambi and Thumper


  ¶ 9:05 AM 0 Comments