Wonderous Things( sung to My Favorite Things)


Wondrous Things



Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.




Author Unknown  ¶ 12:49 PM 0 Comments

  Netaholic
Ah yes my friends that does say netaholic not neataholic.I am so addicted to all the cool sites on this vast tubular universe.when i travel around the net i see others with my same affliction but have yet to find a self-help group on the subject-the only thing is i don't want help- i love being a computer nerd and finding humor in this time we are living in is an in(sanity) i don't want to give up-i have counted a lot of i's in this paragraph but you know what it is my journal and i am allowed to put in as many i's as i possibly can   ¶ 4:47 AM 0 Comments

  What is the red hat club??

All I know is i don't own a red hat,purse,shoes,or even a necklace-one reason is i don't care for the color red-blue is my color of choice-maybe i should start the blue t-shirt,blue jean,blue shoe, denim purse club- even purple or pink i can understand -except hot neon pink that would be a little too,too much  ¶ 5:59 PM 0 Comments

  Stung By A Bee
A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"

DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."
MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts"

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"

MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me  ¶ 10:55 AM 0 Comments

  Throbbing Doo-Dad

I have never had the desire to do hard drugs and when people see things such as this I wonder why they do.  ¶ 5:54 AM 0 Comments

  Confucious Unveiled
Confucius was a famous Chinese thinker and philosopher whose teachings deeply influenced the East Asian life and thought.

But what does he look like? Now we know:

He looks younger than I had envisioned.  ¶ 5:46 AM 0 Comments

 
This store looks like my house except the store is organized. I have been spring cleaning since spring and i still cannot find what I need at the moment. Arghhhh!I collect many things and have a wide assortment in each thing category. See I inherited the packrat disease from my sweet daddy. The only difference is I will throw away burned out lightbulbs, dead batteries,and pens that have no hopes of ever writing again.Greeting cards and old letters,etc. now thats a different story.You will have to pry those out of my cold dead hands.My mom also had the disease to some extent from living with my dad. One day I found a whole 30 gallon trash bag full of dryer lint that she had been hoarding. She said she just knew she could find a use for it. Besides, she added; all the mixed colors are so pretty!! What the heck???I know what many are thinking but nope, only 5% was purchased from Ebay!

  ¶ 10:23 AM 0 Comments

  How Ya Doing Joe? Joe:Well I am not so bad off I can still reach the ashtray!  ¶ 9:35 AM 0 Comments

  10 words Beginning with A
These 10 words are nicknames for the word flatulence 0r more crudely (fart).
aerosolized stool (contributed by Barb F.)
after dinner mint (contributed by MW)
aftershocks (small farts that emerge after a large one - contributed by Cory)

air attack (contributed by Hambone)
air biscuit (contributed by IFlatulant)
air monkey (contributed by ILuvDAC)
air pigeon (contributed by Darivian)
air poop (contributed by Tony)
almond toast (contributed by ifartoften)
anal acoustics (contributed by Hambone)  ¶ 5:55 AM 0 Comments

  A Neat Illusion Tilt your head to the left and you should see a girl. Also the word fish will spell girl.
  ¶ 4:42 AM 0 Comments

  Cool Illusion Sit or stand 8 feet away from your computer and the faces will change places.  ¶ 4:35 AM 0 Comments

    ¶ 12:52 AM 0 Comments

  Horses Thru History Horses were heroes of many wars.They bravely and valiantly took soldiers into the throes of battle.Some even had songs written about their bravery.Cowboys also had an affinity with their horses. Many of the cowboys in old westerns actually owned famous horses.In the 50's there were many T.V. shows and movies about the gentle souls.A few favorite of mine were "Fury" T.V.,"My Friend Flicka" T.V.,"Misty" a movie, and "National Velvet" T.V. and a movie.Of course Fury and Flicka each had a very cute boy in them which added to the show.I don't ride anymore ,but I still adore these lovely animals.There's nothing like currying their mane and silky hair.  ¶ 6:15 AM 0 Comments

  Kids Are Hysterical


JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"


MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."


BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?


SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."


DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"


CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"


JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"


TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked,"Why doesn't your skin fit your face?


The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued, but at that moment my little girl (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"  ¶ 6:04 AM 0 Comments

  Funny Prom Pictures
Makes you not quite as embarrassed by your prom photos huh?

  ¶ 5:53 AM 0 Comments

  No Words Needed Give a child a milkshake and you will be blessed with a smile!  ¶ 5:48 AM 0 Comments

  Cowgirl Power Beef- It Does A Body Good!  ¶ 5:44 AM 0 Comments

  What Season Is It?   ¶ 5:43 AM 0 Comments

  You Tell Me Do you think these men are having fun?People always want the thrill yet, to me they just look terrified. I think the man in the second row has been on a few too many rides.
  ¶ 8:18 PM 0 Comments

  Strange Facts


Every day 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500!

The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad!

Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating!

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

One car out of every 230 made was stolen last year!

The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye!

Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia!

The Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts three naked men with their hands on each other's shoulders!

When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour. To photograph the event, a camera must shoot at a millionth of a second!

A Boeing 747 airliner holds 57,285 gallons of fuel!

A car uses 1.6 ounces of gas idling for one minute. Half an ounce is used to start the average automobile!  ¶ 7:51 PM 0 Comments

  PFFFFFTTTTT!!!! Seems blogger is having difficulties
so I haven't been able to add images. Sorry about that folks,
but with patience order will be restored. I would do a dance
for ya but I don't have any rhythm so I will spare you that!
Maybe we could all sing Kum-Ba-Ya and pretend we are at a campfire that would be a hoot and a half.  ¶ 6:32 AM 0 Comments

  Strange Facts++++++++++
In England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word!

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!

The blesbok, a South African antelope, is almost the same color as grapejuice!

The average person laughs 13 times a day!

Dogs can hear sounds that you cant!

Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!

It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts and then forget where they hid them!

Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel, "Gadsby", which contains over 50,000 words -- none of them with the letter E!

Of all the words in the English language, the word set has the most definitions!

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans!

Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States!

The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!  ¶ 6:16 AM 0 Comments

 
After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age" the neighbor said.

"Sexuality my foot!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"  ¶ 4:31 AM 0 Comments

  Funny Real Student Answers


1. What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

2. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

3. What is artificial insemination?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

4. How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.

5. How are the main parts of the body categorized?
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

6. What is the Fibula?
A small lie.

7. What does "varicose" mean?
Nearby.

8. What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

9. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

10. What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.

11. What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport

12. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.  ¶ 1:26 AM 0 Comments

  Did You Forget Something?

What The Frick? -- a vehicle polling service -- asked nine million cabdrivers to list items left behind by their customers.

The professional motorists reported the top 10 objects most likely to be in their company's lost and found bin are:

1. Cell Phones
2. Snakes
3. Children ( never thought of that)
4. Dinosaur Bones
5. Priceless Works of Art (mostly Rembrandts)
6. Purses and Wallets
7. Breast Implants
8. Mothers-in-law (didn"t think of this one either)
9. 72-Inch Plasma Screen TVs
10. Wedding Rings  ¶ 11:36 PM 0 Comments

  What is That Guy Up To? Yeah the round headed smiley looks innocent enough but is he really?I see him lurking around the internet chatrooms sometimes in disguise.He has made it seem that you can insult a person, but as long as you put a smiley somewhere in your dialogue all is well.A tennis ball can appear perfectly innocent too until it makes contact with the face or even more tender spots.Well think of smiley boy here as a tennis ball with a smirk!Remember this- even a naughty child can look awfully cute with a smile on his face.  ¶ 10:54 PM 0 Comments

  What Kind Of Pizza Are You?

Cheese Pizza

Traditional and comforting. You focus on living a quality life. You're not easily impressed with novelty. Yet, you easily impress others.

  ¶ 10:23 PM 0 Comments

  Church Bloopers
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

Our church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

On a church bulletin during a minister's illness: "GOD IS
GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better."

Announcement in a church bulletin for a national prayer and
fasting conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and
Prayer conference includes meals."

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and medication
to follow.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for
testes.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.  ¶ 10:13 PM 0 Comments

  Facts About Bananas

A cluster of bananas is called a hand and consists of 10 to
20 bananas, which are known as fingers.

Banana plants are the largest plants on earth without a
woody stem. They are actually giant herbs of the same family
as lilies, orchids and palms.

In 2001, there were more than 300 banana-related accidents
in Britain, most involving people slipping on skins.

Some horticulturists suspect that the banana was the earth's
first fruit. Banana plants have been in cultivation since
the time of recorded history. One of the first records of
bananas dates back to Alexander the Great's conquest of
India where he first discovered bananas in 327 B.C.

The phrase 'going bananas' was first recorded in the Oxford
English Dictionary, and is linked to the fruit's 'comic'
connections with monkeys.

One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a
banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the
stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted
blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates
your system.  ¶ 9:44 PM 0 Comments

  Oh There I Am A while back a Wisconsin man had gone missing.
His family being worried about him put a
missing person report on the internet. After travelling into 4 different states, the man now
in Iowa logged onto a computer and saw his face.He had a rare form of amnesia, and up until he saw himself he hadn't a clue as to who he was. The family was informed of his whereabouts, his son went to get him but he wouldn't go with him. He didn't recognize him. Hmmm maybe the son needs to put his own face online.  ¶ 9:37 AM 0 Comments

  High Tech Hillbillies
Three women, one german, one japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager", she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her hand to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.

She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging out of her butt crack.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that... I'm getting a fax!"  ¶ 7:40 PM 0 Comments

  Need A Push
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he's told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.  ¶ 7:26 PM 0 Comments

  Easy Does It Tightrope walking on barbed wire is hard on the ole tootsies!  ¶ 3:49 PM 0 Comments

 

adopt your own virtual pet!

  ¶ 11:15 AM 0 Comments

  10 Deadliest Animals

10. Poison Dart Frog(They emit toxins from their back.Each frog produces

enough toxin to kill 10 humans).

9.Cape Buffalo(When faced with a predator,all 1500 pounds of him will charge head on).

8.Polar Bear(Get between one and her cubs and she may rip off your head with one swipe of her paw).

7. Elephant( kill more than 500 people a year worldwide).

6.Australian Crocodile( will grab you pull u underwater and drown you).

5.African Lion

4.Great White Shark (has 3,000 teeth)

3.Australian Box Jellyfish

2.Asian Cobra

1 Strangely enough the mosquito(causes 2 million malaria deaths per year).

  ¶ 10:21 AM 0 Comments

  The Blonde Cowboy

The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.

So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The cowboy says, "Well it's like this, Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asked me to go out to her motor home with her... and I did. We went inside and she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my shirt. So I did...

Then she pulled off her skirt and asked me to pull off my pants, so I did...

Then she pulled off her panties and asked me to pull off my shorts... So I did... Then she got on the bed and looked at me kind of funny and said, 'Now go to town cowboy'... So here I am."  ¶ 8:03 AM 0 Comments

  Precious Pets Ever since I can remember I have always had at least one pet. My dad bred black
labradors and living on a farm we always had a never-ending supply of stray cats/
kittens. At first many were wild and would hiss and scratch at us but I didn't care, I
knew in time they would come around.My favorite pet of all time was a golden retriever
lab mix named Ginger. She was beloved by every member of our family. One day Ginger disappeared, we had raised her from a puppy and she was now about 9 years old.It wasn't like her to run off and my next oldest brother(I am the youngest) and I would get home from school and immediately go looking for Ginger. This went on for weeks and I remember one evening after dark , my dad with flashlight in hand, searching our nearby cornfield,us 2 kids walking behind him suddenly stopped and held us kids back. With a sorrow in his voice, he said "kids it's time to go home". "I have found Ginger
and she won't be coming home again". Not one word was spoken all the way home and we didn't speak her name till many months later.It was too painful for all of us. Almost a year later a teenaged neighbor girl admitted to hitting Ginger with her car. She was too scared and heart-broken to tell us. We learned right then the meaning of forgiveness, and to this day I still get teary -eyed thinking about our beautiful Ginger.
  ¶ 5:16 AM 0 Comments

  What The Heck
A man adopted a pet kitten from a rescue shelter.
He felt he had done a great deed. Well not so according to an animal
control officer who discovered A yes i said A flea on the kitten during an unscheduled
visit to the man's house. The kitten was taken away and the owner was fined. This poor
man was treated more harshly than if he had done something real criminal. No wonder
we have so many crimes going on when people are worried about one solitary flea.Wish
abused and neglected kids were so high on the list. News such as this just makes me cringe.  ¶ 4:59 AM 0 Comments

  Carmen Miranda

I will be adding people who I have heard about or seen in movies but don't know much about. Many died prior to or not long after I was born. Here is one of my mysterious actresses. "Carmen Miranda" She passed away Aug.1955 of a heart attack.
Real Name
Maria do Carmo Miranda da Cunha

Birthday
February 9, 1909
Marco de Canavezes, Portugall

Measurements
Height
Varying reports from 4'8" to 5'2"
Weight
100 lbs.
Hair color:
Dark Reddish-brown
Eye color
Hazel (reported by Alice Faye as one being brownish green, the other yellowish-green)  ¶ 2:31 AM 0 Comments

  Poor Panda Man bites panda after zoo attack
A drunken Chinese tourist says he bit a panda who attacked him after he jumped into a zoo enclosure to "hug" the bear.

Zhang Xinyan, 35, had drunk four draught beers before deciding to enter the Beijing Zoo pen belonging to six-year-old male panda Gu Gu.

The startled Gu Gu bit both legs of his intruder, who responded by biting "the panda on its back", Mr Zhang was quoted by state media as saying.

Mr Zhang said he had not realised pandas could be violent.  ¶ 2:19 PM 0 Comments

    ¶ 9:13 AM 0 Comments

 

Little Johnny - 4th of July





One year, Johnny's family was having an "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!).

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he could bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"

When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was discovered that the head of that family was a police officer. Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the front door. The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"  ¶ 7:51 AM 0 Comments

  A Pirate's Tale
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye.

Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum.

"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."

"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk."

"Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"

"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.

"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked.

"Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."


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