*Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.
*My wife and I were told we couldn't have children - by our landlord.
*Man: "Doctor, I think I'm a dog." Psychiatrist: "Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch." Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!"
*I videotape my children a lot - because I think they're stealing from us.
*You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes!
*One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so we marched back to the mall - and we went to the jewelry store.
*When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
*In high school, my school team was the "Fighting Indians". The mascot would dance around before each game. All of our games were rained out.
*Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
*In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.
*A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
*When I was younger, I used to play doctor with this girl in my neighborhood. We got caught, but I'm lucky it was on a Wednesday. We were just playing golf.
