Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Amish Rate Appliances,Etc. In Terms Of Evility
Kitchen Appliances
1. Electric can opener (2) I ask thee, what is wrong with a regular manual can opener? They art reliable, and thou art in direct control of the opening of the can. Electric can openers art slow and dangerous. Hast thou ever heard of anyone cranking off their own finger with their own hand? No. Hast thou ever heard of an electrically corrupted can opener clamping down and gnawing off an innocent digit? Yes.2. Microwave (6) God gaveth man food, and to cooketh the food, He gaveth man fire. The nourishment we put into our bodies was never meant to be "nuked" or "zapped" by such a contraption as the scorcher box, or "microwave" as they calleth it. It remains a paradox as to why people everywhere prefereth home cooking (made with natural heat), yet returneth to McDonald's time and time again.3. Coffee maker (3) 4. Toaster (3) 5. Dishwasher (4) This aweful kitchen appliance hath made many a women soft and lazy. The temptation to let electrically powered soap and water "scrub" and "clean" the dishes is too much for a growing number of wives in our modern day. The dishwasher hideth behind cleanliness so as to disguise its trenchant intent to infiltrate your kitchen with an ever growing flow of electricity.6. Refrigerator (5) 7. Blender (3) The blender wast invented for those who have not learned the patience needed to properly dice food. They obviously have also not learned how to chew food that hath not been liquified.
Entertainment Appliances
1. TV (6)2. Radio (4)3. Remote control (3)4. VCR (4)5. Tape player (4)6. CD player (5)7. Disco ball (2)8. Nintendo9. Sony Playstation10. Playstation 2
Office Supplies
1. Telephone (3)2. Electric pencil sharpener (2)3. Calculator (1)4. Paper shredder (2)5. FAX machine (5)6. Xerox machine (5)7. Computer (10)
Toys
1. Teddy Ruxpin (8) Many innocent children see Teddy Ruxpin as a cute and cuddley talking bear. They are wrong. This deceptive creature is a modern ursine terror. The fact is that Teddy Ruxpin is a very close ally of Barney. It is also rumored that Barney is secretly controlled by The Nissan Guy. If this "toy" ran on steam and wind, it would still remain a colossal source of evil. The fact that it runs on electricity just makes it all the worse.2. "Tickle Me" Elmo (6) ¶ 4:55 AM
Kitchen Appliances
1. Electric can opener (2) I ask thee, what is wrong with a regular manual can opener? They art reliable, and thou art in direct control of the opening of the can. Electric can openers art slow and dangerous. Hast thou ever heard of anyone cranking off their own finger with their own hand? No. Hast thou ever heard of an electrically corrupted can opener clamping down and gnawing off an innocent digit? Yes.2. Microwave (6) God gaveth man food, and to cooketh the food, He gaveth man fire. The nourishment we put into our bodies was never meant to be "nuked" or "zapped" by such a contraption as the scorcher box, or "microwave" as they calleth it. It remains a paradox as to why people everywhere prefereth home cooking (made with natural heat), yet returneth to McDonald's time and time again.3. Coffee maker (3) 4. Toaster (3) 5. Dishwasher (4) This aweful kitchen appliance hath made many a women soft and lazy. The temptation to let electrically powered soap and water "scrub" and "clean" the dishes is too much for a growing number of wives in our modern day. The dishwasher hideth behind cleanliness so as to disguise its trenchant intent to infiltrate your kitchen with an ever growing flow of electricity.6. Refrigerator (5) 7. Blender (3) The blender wast invented for those who have not learned the patience needed to properly dice food. They obviously have also not learned how to chew food that hath not been liquified.
Entertainment Appliances
1. TV (6)2. Radio (4)3. Remote control (3)4. VCR (4)5. Tape player (4)6. CD player (5)7. Disco ball (2)8. Nintendo9. Sony Playstation10. Playstation 2
Office Supplies
1. Telephone (3)2. Electric pencil sharpener (2)3. Calculator (1)4. Paper shredder (2)5. FAX machine (5)6. Xerox machine (5)7. Computer (10)
Toys
1. Teddy Ruxpin (8) Many innocent children see Teddy Ruxpin as a cute and cuddley talking bear. They are wrong. This deceptive creature is a modern ursine terror. The fact is that Teddy Ruxpin is a very close ally of Barney. It is also rumored that Barney is secretly controlled by The Nissan Guy. If this "toy" ran on steam and wind, it would still remain a colossal source of evil. The fact that it runs on electricity just makes it all the worse.2. "Tickle Me" Elmo (6) ¶ 4:55 AM
